My "Good Guy" Complex.

First things first, let's weed out the people who aren't prepared to be challenged and think critically with a quote from Jordan Peterson.

“If you’re not a formidable force, there’s no morality in your self-control. Not being violent isn’t a virtue if you're incapable of violence.”

In essence, be a warrior in a garden rather than a gardener in a war.

I wholeheartedly agree.

However, yesterday, this whole concept was rocked for me.

Generally, I'm kind, respectful and well-mannered - that's how I was raised, but I know I have deep-seated rage within me - therefore, self-control and self-mastery are 2 of the most important things I try to practice every waking minute of my life.

Yesterday, a girl I know called me "safe".

While I love that this is how she views me, it challenged how I view myself.

Let me provide a little context.

We don't go way back, but she was one of the first people I met when I came to Svalbard. She's super cool - the kind of person you need in your circle of close friends.

A couple of weeks ago, we bumped into each other at the end of a night out - and yesterday, we were reminiscing in the memory (or lack thereof) of that night. Amongst a myriad of misadventures, she fell very hard and bumped her head. Naturally, the caretaker in me took over, and I helped her up, got her water and then was left with a tough decision: stay the night on her couch and make sure she didn't swallow her tongue or leave, hope for the best and come check-in in the morning.

Naturally, I chose the latter. Imagine waking up in the morning after a night out and finding this big dude just chilling on your couch!?

Queue her response and the sentence that made me question myself. She said: “Oh, you’re literally the safest! If I woke up and found YOU sitting on my couch, I’d have been totally comfortable”. Bear in mind we weren't close friends yet - we happen to live in the same building - so we've crossed paths a couple of times.

Now, of course, there are a few things to consider here.

1. I don't know too much about her culture or upbringing, so our ideas of safety may be 2 different things. Where I'm from, finding an uninvited (or drunkenly invited) person in your house, even a close friend, is a BIG deal.
2. Coming from a country where rape, sexual assault, and violence happen so often, it's almost never reported in the news, not to mention the incredibly male-demonising rhetoric you see in the media, being told I'm safe - by a woman I barely know - felt good.
3. In this context, I assume her use of the term safe doesn't necessarily equate to being harmless in general. Instead, it's a recognition that I simply do not have the capacity for that kind of harm.

And this is where I find the discourse in the good guy complex.

If a good guy is defined as a man who is capable of significant harm and chooses to keep themselves under control - does that mean you need to be capable of all forms of harm?

If yes, does a rapist who chooses not to rape deserve the honour of being called virtuous?

If no, then to what virtue standards should we, as men, hold ourselves to?

If you, like me, are unable to answer the above questions satisfactorily, here's my third option:

Virtue and morality are a spectrum. No one person can (should) dictate what it is. However, while we may come from different backgrounds and speak in different tongues, if we act against our human nature, we don't deserve the title of human being.

As a man, as a black man in a world where the odds are generally stacked against me, I make it my mission to challenge the status quo - to make people thINK.

So, I ask you, the reader: what is a good man?

It's someone who knows their strengths and capabilities (good and bad) and chooses to use those characteristics to make the world a better place.